Dear Recruiter

Intro - spoken, weary warmth

This one goes out to every recruiter who ever copy-pasted their way into any of our inboxes.

With love. Mostly.

Verse 1

Dear Mister Recruiter, please lose your computer,

Step away from the screen, spay and neuter

Your fingers from your hands, they need a writing tutor,

You spelled my name wrong twice and called me a "great fit for Junior."

I've been doing this fifteen years, my guy, I'm not a shooter

Of hoops for entry-level roles — check the resume sooner.

You found me on LinkedIn like a drunk man finds a lamppost,

Not for the light it gives but just because it's the last post

You bumped into scrolling with your eyes closed, blasting

Copy-paste grenades into every inbox passing.

Chorus

This message makes no logical sense,

What I do has nothing to do with what you sent,

Meant for someone else, a different gent,

I am not the droid you are looking for.

Go back to school and learn a bit more,

Read a profile once before you press send,

Dear Mister Recruiter — try again.

Verse 2

"Exciting opportunity" — oh is it? Is it though?

No company name, no salary, no nothing I should know,

Just "a leading firm in the blank blank space"

With "a fast-paced culture" — what a thrilling phrase.

You said you loved my background in machine learning and AI.

Sir, I'm a copywriter. The closest I've come is asking why

My spellcheck keeps autocorrecting. That's not artificial intelligence,

That's Microsoft Word fighting me with digital belligerence.

You want me to "hop on a quick call to discuss the role?"

Brother, you don't even know my role. Read and scroll.

Chorus

This message makes no logical sense,

What I do has nothing to do with what you sent,

Meant for someone else, a different gent,

I am not the droid you are looking for.

Go back to school and learn a bit more,

Reed a profile once before you press send,

Dear Mister Recruiter — try again.

Bridge - slower, genuine

And I know you've got quotas. I know you've got KPIs.

I know there's a dashboard somewhere counting your replies.

I know you're a person underneath the template and the grind,

But so am I, my friend. So am I.

So next time you reach out, just reed the first three lines.

That's all. Just three. I promise you'll be fine.

Final Chorus - half tempo, warm

Make the message make a little sense,

Match the human to the thing you sent,

Take ten seconds, make it relevant,

And maybe I'll be the droid you're looking for.

We don't need much. Just a little more.

Read a profile once before you press send,

Dear Mister Recruiter —

We could've been friends.

Outro - spoken

Check your inbox. I sent you my actual resume.

Just kidding. Delete my number.

Actually — is the role remote?