Groom That
April Fools AI— DJ Led Growth
Track 14 — 3:55
CHORUS — ENSEMBLE
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Don't move it—groom that!
INTRO — Spoken, ENGINEER
Monday, Nine-Fifty-Eight.
Calendar says "Backlog Grooming."
Everyone already tired.
Nobody surprised.
VERSE 1 — ENGINEER
Calendar says thirty minutes,
but the list says we're here a while.
First ticket's older than the roadmap,
tagged "urgent" with a straight face and a smile.
Title says "Investigate issue,"
no repro steps, no link, no why.
Someone asks, "Didn't we fix this?"
Someone else says, "Then why won't it die?"
We read it out loud like that helps,
like hearing it might jog a brain.
All it does is make it obvious:
context left the company again.
PRE-CHORUS — PM
This is why people hate this meeting.
Let's not prove them right.
CHORUS
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Don't move it—groom that!
VERSE 2 — DESIGNER
Screen share's on the wrong monitor,
hold on—now it's too small.
The note says "confusing UX,"
which could mean anything at all.
Was it onboarding? Was it checkout?
Was it that rushed thing from Q2?
I wasn't in the meeting where this started,
and neither were most of you.
So we start guessing,
because guessing fills the air.
Silence feels worse than being wrong,
and we've all been here.
PRE-CHORUS — QA
If we're guessing, we're not refining.
CHORUS
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Don't slide it—groom that!
VERSE 3 — QA
I need a condition, not a vibe.
A device. A browser. A step.
If we can't say how it fails,
we don't know what we accept.
Every time we skip that part,
it comes back in sprint review.
Same ticket, new comment,
same meeting—déjà vu.
Grooming isn't agreement,
it's making work testable.
Otherwise we're just nodding
and calling it "actionable."
BRIDGE — HALF-TIME
Someone's kid runs through the frame.
Someone's mic is eating sound.
We lose two minutes finding mute buttons,
then try to pull it back around.
Support ticket says "can't check out,"
three times last week, same flow.
Button's below the fold on mobile.
That's it. That's the whole show.
We don't redesign the system.
We don't chase a better dream.
We move one thing where thumbs can reach.
Small fix. Narrow beam.
That's grooming—drawing the line.
Not everything, just enough.
So the next meeting hurts less
because this one did the tough stuff.
BREAK — CALL-OUT
What is it? (HIT)
Who's it for? (HIT)
How do we test it? (HIT)
What's not in? (HIT)
(Someone unmutes late)
VOICE: "Wait—are we already done?"
FINAL CHORUS
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Groom that! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Boom! Zoom! Loom! Groom that!
Don't move it—GROOM THAT!
OUTRO — Spoken, DEADPAN
ENGINEER: Meeting ended early.
PM: Ticket finally makes sense.
QA: Testable.
DESIGNER: Buildable.
ENGINEER: Still my least favorite meeting.
ENSEMBLE: …but less useless. Groomed.