You're Not Raising

LYRICS

If you want money — ask for advice.

If you want a check — gotta play it real nice.

If you want a Leed — gotta understate need —

never let ’em see you sweat — through your Patagonia fleece.

You’re not raising —

you’re RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING.

(runway’s running out — running out — running out)

Walk into the meeting like you’re over-subscribed —

“Not actively raising” — founder tribe vibe.

“Well-capitalized — strategic partners only” —

though your burn rate’s eating you alive — slowly.

“Just keeping you in the loop —”

“Not fundraising — more a convo with the group —”

But your spreadsheet screams —

six weeks runway — end of dreams.

Slide deck crisp — sanitized charts —

but your pulse rate spikes like a Dee—Aae—Oh in the dark.

Playing it cool — soul in a lurch —

Ubered here early — cried in the church

of Sand Hill Road — belief gets sold —

your bravado loud — but the panic cold.

“No pressure — just exploring the space —”

RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING

“Timing’s flexible — honestly great —”

RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING

But your heart rate’s falling into down-round gait.

If you want money — ask for advice.

If you want a term sheet — never say price.

If you want interest — play it concise —

“We’ve got optionality” — the practiced reply.

You’re not raising —

you’re RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING.

Come in through the side door — front door’s for the clueless —

warm intros only — courtesy of the ruthless.

Signal — signal — scarcity sells —

dead-eye grin like everything’s well.

“Always open to strategic partners —”

Translation: please save us — running out of starters.

Get a Leed first — then the round fills itself —

social proof magic — ghost on a shelf.

Build relationships — slow — slow — slow —

drip-feed hope — in the fundraising show.

Casual coffee — battlefield code —

future depends on their fluctuating mode.

Spoken break

You’re supposed to say you’re confident —

you’re selective —

you’re “not raising at the moment”

with the intonation of someone who absolutely is.

Every call a magic trick —

sawing your cap table in half

while smiling like it’s normal.

If you want money — ask for advice.

If you want advice — ask for nothing.

If you want nothing — they give you everything.

If you want everything — you get nothing.

This isn’t therapy —

but it feels like therapy —

with spreadsheets.

And then —

the realization:

Wait —

am *I* doing it?

Am I raising —

right now?

“I’m not raising” —

“I’m not raising” —

“I’m not—”

I’m RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING.

Everything’s a pitch.

Even this.

Especially this.

LYRICS

If you want money — ask for advice.

If you want advice — raise the stakes twice.

If you want a future — roll loaded dice —

this whole damn system’s pay-to-be-precise.

You’re not raising —

you’re RAY—RAY—RAY—ZING.

Not fundraising —

not fundraising —

not fundraising —

but we’re all

ray—ray—ray—z—